Missing My Grandma

I'm missing my grandma today.  I try not to just sit and think about her too often.  Not because I don't love her and not because I don't ache over not having her anymore.  It's quite the opposite actually.  As I sit here just beginning to let myself wallow in my memories of her, tears pour freely down my face.  I can quickly become consumed in heartache and anguish as I long to touch someone I can no longer reach, as I long to take hold of someone who has slipped so far away from me.


Growing up, my grandma was the axis around which our family spun.  Through both good times and bad, she was the single most powerful force that held us all together.  Despite divisions and strife that occasionally reared their ugly heads, her matriarchal influence somehow kept us in line.  


My grandma was a confidant to me.  I could tell her anything, and she listened without passing judgement.  She was a great sounding board, giving me honest and thoughtful advice at times when I was just beginning to discover who I was and who I ought to be.  


She was my biggest supporter.  When I was with her, I felt invincible.  She always saw good in me when I couldn't see it in myself.  She saw beauty in me when I was sure no one else could.  She made me feel comfortable in my own skin and confident in my own abilities.  She made me feel strong, like there was nothing she thought I couldn't do.  


She loved me.


She loved me like only a grandma does.


How pleased I think she would be to see who I've become.  How delighted she'd be to see the wonderful young men my children have grown to be.  How ecstatic she'd be to welcome my grandchild into this world.  How I wish she were here now to share in this time of my life.  


What I wouldn't give for just one more day with her.  What I wouldn't do to be able to tell her how much I love her and how I hope to be the kind of grandma to my own soon-to-be-born grandchild as she was to me.  


Oh how I long to feel her face against mine and stroke her soft hair and melt into her embrace.  I wish I could smell her.  I wish I could sit on her couch and pour out my heart to her again.  I just wish I still had her.  I just want heaven to give her back to me, if only it could.


I miss you Grandma.  I love you...and I miss you.