Motherhood is a balance beam of sorts. We tiptoe from one end of the beam holding a newborn and turn cartwheels and front flips through the next 18 to 20-some years while trying to navigate the precarious terrain raising children often presents. We teeter and totter, shimmy and tremble, falter and even sometimes fall. As we move along, we tenaciously pursue perfection on the mommy beam until the time comes to send our little bundles of joy off into the world. And like any Olympic champion, we only hope and pray to stick the dismount.
Motherhood isn't easy, that's for sure. We're always walking one fine line or another. Should we let them drink pop? Are they ready for sleep-away camp? Is their bedtime too late...or too early? Are they ready to date? Drive? Go away to college? Are we doing it right? Is there even a way to do it right all the time? My guess is, probably not.
Today at work, (I'm a school cook), this 1st grade boy who comes through the line every day, makes his own choices about what to eat, moves his full tray with all the accompaniments...silverware, napkin, straw...from one end of the serving line to the other, enters his own lunch number which he knows by heart and manages to get from the line to his seat in the cafeteria all by himself was utterly stifled by his mother who wanted to 'help' him with everything from picking a carton of milk to carrying his plate for him. He looked at her with confusion in his eyes. He did, after all, do this every day...all by himself..with competency and confidence. And yet, he took his hands off his tray and allowed her to carry it for him. He let her do for him something he was perfectly able to do for himself.
In that moment, I'm sure she thought nothing of it. She was, I'm certain, only intending to make her son's life a little bit easier...to do for him something that seemed like such a big job for such a small boy. But, in reality, she robbed him his autonomy. She took away a moment when she could have praised him for his ability and instead, rescued him from something from which he need not be saved.
And so what is the one thing I think we as mothers must be careful not do for our children? Very simply...everything.
I think as mothers, our instinct is to be that superhero who shadows our children hoping to thwart all danger that may come their way. Like Wonder Woman with her special bulletproof bracelets, we want to stand between our children and anything or anyone who might present them with challenges or trials. We want to fix all their problems and fight all their battles. We want to avenge all their wrongs and lift them above all the difficulties and dilemmas this life might bring.
The thing is, all those challenges and trials, all those difficulties and dilemmas, well, that's where the best character building often takes place. Kids don't learn a work ethic by having everything given to them. They don't learn kindness and compassion by having their eyes shielded from every unpleasant reality. They don't learn humility and modesty by having their egos continually fed and stroked.
We sometimes forget that we aren't raising children to just be bigger children. We're supposed to be raising them to become adults...mature, responsible, productive, respectable adults. We're supposed to be instilling qualities in them that will serve them...and society...well. We want them to be able to live without us some day...to be able to take care of themselves and their own families...to be able to make good choices for themselves...to be able to think for themselves.
There simply is no easy way to get them from one end of that narrow, treacherous beam to the other. We cannot carry them the entire way and thus avoid all the perils and pitfalls growing up is certain to present. The only way to start moving our kids in that direction is to begin to allow them to do some things for themselves by themselves.
We have to resist that urge to always swoop in and 'save' our kids. Sometimes, of course, when the situation is severe enough, we must. But sometimes, it's okay to the let them fail. It's okay to let them take an F they earned. They need to learn how to lose graciously and deal with the reality that they're aren't always going to the best at everything...the most beautiful...the smartest...or the most deserving. And they also need to learn how to win just as graciously. They need to fight some of their own battles...for sure not ones that could kill them (literally or figuratively) or maybe not even ones that could leave serious war wounds...but the occasional scrape gained through standing up for oneself can be quite the confidence builder.
We need to get over the idea that our children need us for everything. They don't...or least they shouldn't. To do everything for them is to cripple them really. And I'm sure none of use want to do that to our children.
