Most every woman with kids has, at one time in her life, tried to play the 'super mom game'. It's an interesting game with just one rule...DON'T DROP THE BALL.
At first, this seems simple enough. One little softball lobs your direction, and you scoop it up with ease. A diaper leaks through, a pacifier comes up missing, that night-night blankie didn't make into the dryer before bedtime...for a beginner, all seem quite serious at the moment. But the pros know that's all just kids' play.
By the time they're 4, many kids are already carving out their own space on the family calendar...T-ball, soccer, ballet lessons, vacation Bible school, play dates and birthday parties. As 'super mom' will soon realize, it's not just a matter of catching the balls thrown her direction. It's a matter of keeping them all in the air. It's on the job training, learning not only how to catch but how to juggle.
A truly adept 'super mom' must master multi-tasking. With her, housework, homework and busy work all manage to get done somehow. 'Super mom' can check a kid's math, bake 24 cupcakes on the fly, get Junior to his game on time and still find a moment to have a semi-rational thought.
She also knows that it isn't just the schedule and business of living that have to be juggled. The emotions, fears and personalities of her little darlings threaten the delicate balance she must maintain to keep everything moving smoothly. But no matter what they throw at her, she just keeps those balls in motion.
She can remove a splinter or a loose tooth with hardly a whimper.
She can make tangles into French braids with nary a tear being shed.
She can turn a pound of hamburger and a can of cream of mushroom soup into a meal in thirty minutes or less.
She loves the games her kids play even if she doesn't know all the rules.
She will give up the last piece of cake although she really was looking forward to it.
She will drive to Walmart at 10pm on Sunday to buy poster board for a project due on Monday morning that her kid has known about for two weeks.
She knows the phone number of the doctor, dentist and school secretary by heart.
She'll pack a lunch even when she knows for certain her kid absolutely would eat sloppy Joe's before he'd starve to death.
She will host a sleepover for a dozen kids at the end of an insane work week.
She'll sign up for team treats, send cups and napkins for the Valentine's Day party and paint faces at the school carnival.
She will suffer through many a recital or concert with a smile.
She will stay up late to wash a uniform for the game, no matter how big or small.
She'll get up early to iron a special shirt for school pictures even though she knows the photographer won't do a thing if the kid's hair is standing up.
She knows that while it's ok to say "yes", it's also ok to say "no".
She will put on her brave face when she gives any one of the various 'talks'.
She'll laugh at dumb jokes...
Cry over baby pictures...
Cheer at graduation (even if it's only on the inside because she knows her kid would die of embarrassment if she actually got up and cheered out loud).
She'll love them when it's easy, and she'll love them when it's hard.
She'll fight their battles when she can, and do her best to equip them to fight the battles they must must face on their own.
But the truly advanced 'super mom' also knows when to shout, "Don't you dare throw that ball this way!" She knows when she's reached her limit, and she can't juggle one more thing. She understands that while, 'don't drop the ball', is the only rule, it's a rule that will inevitably be broken. She knows she can't be all things to all people at all times. She also knows that there is only one way to know what's really important in life...let all the balls hit the floor and sees in what order she picks them back up. We all need to do that once in a while...JUST DROP THE BALLS!!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Love Triangle
I know I can't be the only mother who has ever felt a little trepidation over her child dating. I have sons, so I'll proceed from my point of view, but I'm sure it's much the same for the mother of daughters.
Watching that little boy who you've fawned over, cheered for, chauffeured around, gone to battle to protect, laughed with, laughed at, and loved passionately turn his affections from you to someone else is just heartbreaking in a way. We all know as mothers that's what's supposed to happen. It's honestly what we want for them...to fall in love and have a happy life and a family of their own. We just don't realize how bittersweet the moment will be when they move us to the back burner and give our spot to another woman.
I genuinely have tried over these past four or five years, during which my sons have been dating, to be open to and accepting of the young women they have chosen. Neither of them have been serial daters, and for the most part, they have chosen relatively well so it hasn't been horribly difficult to at least be pleasant and welcoming to the handful of girls who have come through our door and been introduced as 'girlfriend'. That isn't to say I've had the warm and fuzzies about all of them or that it hasn't taken time for one or two of them to grow on me. It is, after all, difficult to put on a happy face all the time when dealing with 'the other woman'.
I was recently able to have a very frank discussion with one son's girlfriend. She started by asking, somewhat jokingly but somewhat seriously, if we liked her. And of course, we do like her. But what she really wanted to know was did we like her in her role as potential future daughter-in-law.
I could easily have just given her a glib response, a simple and dismissive 'yes' and went about my business. But it isn't too often you get a wide open door and an invitation to enter from the woman you share your son with, so I proceeded, albeit with caution.
I decided to tell her what I wish I had known back oh so many years ago when I was dating my husband. Back then, his mother seemed to dislike me...or at least be indifferent to me...even though I considered myself an ok catch. I was, after all, a straight-laced, polite, moderately intelligent girl with my head screwed on right. What more could the mother of a teen aged boy expect from a teen aged girl?
Well, now that I'm a mother, I know. She expected me to stay the heck away from her son. He was too young for her to just turn over to some girl she didn't even know. With me in the picture, he was too easily distracted from the life he shared with her. He was choosing me over her to be his confidant, his companion, his secret keeper. He didn't need his mother to hold his hand when he had a girlfriend to do so.
Had I known back then what I know now, I may not have been so snarky every time she demanded he come home immediately or get off the phone right that second. I might have understood her coldness toward me really had very little to do with me specifically. Her seeming reluctance to accept me wasn't because there was something wrong with me either. In retrospect, I'm sure her emotions over being suddenly and unwillingly thrust into a love triangle were probably not unlike my own. So as I sat next to my son's girlfriend, preparing to embark on our first intimate conversation of any serious substance, I tried to remember how it felt when I was on her side of the love triangle now that I was on my side of it.
I did start off with the obligatory 'yes, we like you', a soft segue into much rougher territory. I went on to tell her that it's not, in my experience...or at least not usually...something to be taken personally when a mother seems to not be so crazy about the person her son seems crazy about.
Mothers don't see 'the other woman' with stars in their eyes like their sons do. They aren't impressed by mere appearance or even honey sweet behavior. They aren't swayed by flattery or even acts of good will. We know a girl trying extra hard to make her mark on us typically has ulterior motives and most likely plans to stick around.
Mothers understand right from square one that interlopers always present a certain threat. The introduction of a new character often means a lesser role for the one who is already there. There's no way for her to fit into the picture without me scooting over to make room. And if I don't scoot of my own volition, my son will certainly give me a firm nudge. He needs me to make room for her. And I need to do what's best for him, even if I don't like it.
It doesn't really matter whether boy or girl, the love affair a mother has with her child is different from any other. There's nothing better than being mommy...superhero, magic maker, master encourager. There's nothing better than holding your child close and rocking them in your arms...whether they're babies or bigger than we are. To love unconditionally someone who loves you exactly the same way is priceless.
To go from center of my child's universe, where I hung the moon and made the sun rise, where I could kiss a boo boo and make it all better or where I had the power to make everything right with the world in their eyes...to go from "I want to live with you forever" and having my opinion count above everyone else's...to go from all that to being practically invisible sometimes, out of sight and out of mind, the last resort instead of the first choice...well frankly, it stinks.
As I explained, being as sensitive as I could to my son's girlfriend's feelings, it's hard for a mother to let go of her child, trusting the person he chooses as a mate to really and truly love him..to want what's best for him even above what's best for herself...to protect his heart even at the expense of her own...to build him up when he's weak and come along side him in his pursuits...to see him as beautiful even when it takes rose-colored glasses to do so...to love him...like I love him.
How will she ever? How could she? And when she takes him away from me, will he remember that I still do love him that way? That I'll always be his mommy, and he'll always be my little boy. I needed her to understand that...those fears, those reservations, those aching little spots left on a mother's heart when her child falls in love with someone other than her...it has nothing to do with her really. It has to do with me...letting go of him.
I know, from her side of the triangle, it all looks very different. She probably thinks I don't understand just how much she loves him. But I have a pretty good idea. And I really do know that just because he loves her doesn't mean he loves me any less. Who knows, maybe one day she and I will love each other in a way that makes me feel less like I'm losing a son and more like I'm gaining...well, you know how that saying goes, but I'm not sure I'm ready to apply it to myself just quite yet.
Watching that little boy who you've fawned over, cheered for, chauffeured around, gone to battle to protect, laughed with, laughed at, and loved passionately turn his affections from you to someone else is just heartbreaking in a way. We all know as mothers that's what's supposed to happen. It's honestly what we want for them...to fall in love and have a happy life and a family of their own. We just don't realize how bittersweet the moment will be when they move us to the back burner and give our spot to another woman.
I genuinely have tried over these past four or five years, during which my sons have been dating, to be open to and accepting of the young women they have chosen. Neither of them have been serial daters, and for the most part, they have chosen relatively well so it hasn't been horribly difficult to at least be pleasant and welcoming to the handful of girls who have come through our door and been introduced as 'girlfriend'. That isn't to say I've had the warm and fuzzies about all of them or that it hasn't taken time for one or two of them to grow on me. It is, after all, difficult to put on a happy face all the time when dealing with 'the other woman'.
I was recently able to have a very frank discussion with one son's girlfriend. She started by asking, somewhat jokingly but somewhat seriously, if we liked her. And of course, we do like her. But what she really wanted to know was did we like her in her role as potential future daughter-in-law.
I could easily have just given her a glib response, a simple and dismissive 'yes' and went about my business. But it isn't too often you get a wide open door and an invitation to enter from the woman you share your son with, so I proceeded, albeit with caution.
I decided to tell her what I wish I had known back oh so many years ago when I was dating my husband. Back then, his mother seemed to dislike me...or at least be indifferent to me...even though I considered myself an ok catch. I was, after all, a straight-laced, polite, moderately intelligent girl with my head screwed on right. What more could the mother of a teen aged boy expect from a teen aged girl?
Well, now that I'm a mother, I know. She expected me to stay the heck away from her son. He was too young for her to just turn over to some girl she didn't even know. With me in the picture, he was too easily distracted from the life he shared with her. He was choosing me over her to be his confidant, his companion, his secret keeper. He didn't need his mother to hold his hand when he had a girlfriend to do so.
Had I known back then what I know now, I may not have been so snarky every time she demanded he come home immediately or get off the phone right that second. I might have understood her coldness toward me really had very little to do with me specifically. Her seeming reluctance to accept me wasn't because there was something wrong with me either. In retrospect, I'm sure her emotions over being suddenly and unwillingly thrust into a love triangle were probably not unlike my own. So as I sat next to my son's girlfriend, preparing to embark on our first intimate conversation of any serious substance, I tried to remember how it felt when I was on her side of the love triangle now that I was on my side of it.
I did start off with the obligatory 'yes, we like you', a soft segue into much rougher territory. I went on to tell her that it's not, in my experience...or at least not usually...something to be taken personally when a mother seems to not be so crazy about the person her son seems crazy about.
Mothers don't see 'the other woman' with stars in their eyes like their sons do. They aren't impressed by mere appearance or even honey sweet behavior. They aren't swayed by flattery or even acts of good will. We know a girl trying extra hard to make her mark on us typically has ulterior motives and most likely plans to stick around.
Mothers understand right from square one that interlopers always present a certain threat. The introduction of a new character often means a lesser role for the one who is already there. There's no way for her to fit into the picture without me scooting over to make room. And if I don't scoot of my own volition, my son will certainly give me a firm nudge. He needs me to make room for her. And I need to do what's best for him, even if I don't like it.
It doesn't really matter whether boy or girl, the love affair a mother has with her child is different from any other. There's nothing better than being mommy...superhero, magic maker, master encourager. There's nothing better than holding your child close and rocking them in your arms...whether they're babies or bigger than we are. To love unconditionally someone who loves you exactly the same way is priceless.
To go from center of my child's universe, where I hung the moon and made the sun rise, where I could kiss a boo boo and make it all better or where I had the power to make everything right with the world in their eyes...to go from "I want to live with you forever" and having my opinion count above everyone else's...to go from all that to being practically invisible sometimes, out of sight and out of mind, the last resort instead of the first choice...well frankly, it stinks.
As I explained, being as sensitive as I could to my son's girlfriend's feelings, it's hard for a mother to let go of her child, trusting the person he chooses as a mate to really and truly love him..to want what's best for him even above what's best for herself...to protect his heart even at the expense of her own...to build him up when he's weak and come along side him in his pursuits...to see him as beautiful even when it takes rose-colored glasses to do so...to love him...like I love him.
How will she ever? How could she? And when she takes him away from me, will he remember that I still do love him that way? That I'll always be his mommy, and he'll always be my little boy. I needed her to understand that...those fears, those reservations, those aching little spots left on a mother's heart when her child falls in love with someone other than her...it has nothing to do with her really. It has to do with me...letting go of him.
I know, from her side of the triangle, it all looks very different. She probably thinks I don't understand just how much she loves him. But I have a pretty good idea. And I really do know that just because he loves her doesn't mean he loves me any less. Who knows, maybe one day she and I will love each other in a way that makes me feel less like I'm losing a son and more like I'm gaining...well, you know how that saying goes, but I'm not sure I'm ready to apply it to myself just quite yet.
Monday, May 2, 2011
A Mom's Roller Coaster Ride
I've had this motherhood gig for quite some time now. It's been like a two decade long roller coaster ride. Coming out of the gate, when we first found out we were expecting, was like that moment when the coaster slowly begins to leave the dock...it's hardly moving at all, but there's great expectation knowing a wild ride is just ahead. Through the twists and turns, the mountainous climbs and gut wrenching drops, we have winded our way through parenthood. There have been times that have made us squeel with excitement and times that have left us begging for someone to please just stop the ride.
When my oldest sons turned twenty, I thought our coaster was finally coming into the station. How wrong I was. Turns out, parenting doesn't quite come to an end just because your children stop being 'kids'. In fact, somehow the job seems to get more difficult once the stakes go even higher.
We have spent of a lot of time and energy trying to impart certain values in our sons, trying to equip them with certain life skills. We have hoped to instill things like a good work ethic, sound judgement, and responsibility into their lives. Through the years, we have hoped to weave the best parts of ourselves into them so that they could not only avoid the mistakes we've made but also enjoy the overflow of our sucesses.
We have always attempted to have open and honest communication with our boys about everything...even the complicated things...even the uncomfortable things. We have told them the truth even when it hurt them...or our pride.
We have tried to set a standard of living for them that is both challenging and achievable. We have led by example, knowing 'do as I say, not as I do' never works. They have seen us trip and even fall, but they've also always seen us get back up and keep on moving.
They understand life isn't always easy or fair or even logical. They know love is a choice and happiness that's dependent on circumstances is both fickle and fleeting. They know we expect them to do their best but that our love for them and our joy in being their parents is unconditional.
This roller coaster ride we're on is far from over. But now, instead of the five of us sharing one car, all belted in safely together, holding on to one another through thick and thin, the boys...men, in anyone else's eyes...have each moved into their own cars, choosing other co-riders to begin clinging to and trusting in. And before long, I know they they'll be ready to leave the cover their dad and I have provided and get in line for a whole new roller coaster ride all their own. That's the way it's supposed to be, and I know it. But it doesn't make letting them go any easier.
When my oldest sons turned twenty, I thought our coaster was finally coming into the station. How wrong I was. Turns out, parenting doesn't quite come to an end just because your children stop being 'kids'. In fact, somehow the job seems to get more difficult once the stakes go even higher.
We have spent of a lot of time and energy trying to impart certain values in our sons, trying to equip them with certain life skills. We have hoped to instill things like a good work ethic, sound judgement, and responsibility into their lives. Through the years, we have hoped to weave the best parts of ourselves into them so that they could not only avoid the mistakes we've made but also enjoy the overflow of our sucesses.
We have always attempted to have open and honest communication with our boys about everything...even the complicated things...even the uncomfortable things. We have told them the truth even when it hurt them...or our pride.
We have tried to set a standard of living for them that is both challenging and achievable. We have led by example, knowing 'do as I say, not as I do' never works. They have seen us trip and even fall, but they've also always seen us get back up and keep on moving.
They understand life isn't always easy or fair or even logical. They know love is a choice and happiness that's dependent on circumstances is both fickle and fleeting. They know we expect them to do their best but that our love for them and our joy in being their parents is unconditional.
This roller coaster ride we're on is far from over. But now, instead of the five of us sharing one car, all belted in safely together, holding on to one another through thick and thin, the boys...men, in anyone else's eyes...have each moved into their own cars, choosing other co-riders to begin clinging to and trusting in. And before long, I know they they'll be ready to leave the cover their dad and I have provided and get in line for a whole new roller coaster ride all their own. That's the way it's supposed to be, and I know it. But it doesn't make letting them go any easier.
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