Love Triangle

I know I can't be the only mother who has ever felt a little trepidation over her child dating. I have sons, so I'll proceed from my point of view, but I'm sure it's much the same for the mother of daughters.


Watching that little boy who you've fawned over, cheered for, chauffeured around, gone to battle to protect, laughed with, laughed at, and loved passionately turn his affections from you to someone else is just heartbreaking in a way.  We all know as mothers that's what's supposed to happen.  It's honestly what we want for them...to fall in love and have a happy life and a family of their own.  We just don't realize how bittersweet the moment will be when they move us to the back burner and give our spot to another woman.  


I genuinely have tried over these past four or five years, during which my sons have been dating, to be open to and accepting of the young women they have chosen.  Neither of them have been serial daters, and for the most part, they have chosen relatively well so it hasn't been horribly difficult to at least be pleasant and welcoming to the handful of girls who have come through our door and been introduced as 'girlfriend'.  That isn't to say I've had the warm and fuzzies about all of them or that it hasn't taken time for one or two of them to grow on me.  It is, after all, difficult to put on a happy face all the time when dealing with 'the other woman'.


I was recently able to have a very frank discussion with one son's girlfriend.  She started by asking, somewhat jokingly but somewhat seriously, if we liked her.  And of course, we do like her.  But what she really wanted to know was did we like her in her role as potential future daughter-in-law.  


I could easily have just given her a glib response, a simple and dismissive 'yes' and went about my business.  But it isn't too often you get a wide open door and an invitation to enter from the woman you share your son with, so I proceeded, albeit with caution.


I decided to tell her what I wish I had known back oh so many years ago when I was dating my husband.  Back then, his mother seemed to dislike me...or at least be indifferent to me...even though I considered myself an ok catch.  I was, after all, a straight-laced, polite, moderately intelligent girl with my head screwed on right.  What more could the mother of a teen aged boy expect from a teen aged girl?  


Well, now that I'm a mother, I know.  She expected me to stay the heck away from her son.  He was too young for her to just turn over to some girl she didn't even know.  With me in the picture, he was too easily distracted from the life he shared with her.  He was choosing me over her to be his confidant, his companion, his secret keeper.  He didn't need his mother to hold his hand when he had a girlfriend to do so.


Had I known back then what I know now, I may not have been so snarky every time she demanded he come home immediately or get off the phone right that second.  I might have understood her coldness toward me really had very little to do with me specifically.  Her seeming reluctance to accept me wasn't because there was something wrong with me either.  In retrospect, I'm sure her emotions over being suddenly and unwillingly thrust into a love triangle were probably not unlike my own.  So as I sat next to my son's girlfriend, preparing to embark on our first intimate conversation of any serious substance, I tried to remember how it felt when I was on her side of the love triangle now that I was on my side of it.


I did start off with the obligatory 'yes, we like you', a soft segue into much rougher territory.  I went on to tell her that it's not, in my experience...or at least not usually...something to be taken personally when a mother seems to not be so crazy about the person her son seems crazy about.  


Mothers don't see 'the other woman' with stars in their eyes like their sons do.  They aren't impressed by mere appearance or even honey sweet behavior.  They aren't swayed by flattery or even acts of good will. We know a girl trying extra hard to make her mark on us typically has ulterior motives and most likely plans to stick around.


Mothers understand right from square one that interlopers always present a certain threat.  The introduction of a new character often means a lesser role for the one who is already there.  There's no way for her to fit into the picture without me scooting over to make room. And if I don't scoot of my own volition, my son will certainly give me a firm nudge.  He needs me to make room for her.  And I need to do what's best for him, even if I don't like it.


It doesn't really matter whether boy or girl, the love affair a mother has with her child is different from any other.  There's nothing better than being mommy...superhero, magic maker, master encourager.  There's nothing better than holding your child close and rocking them in your arms...whether they're babies or bigger than we are. To love unconditionally someone who loves you exactly the same way is priceless. 


To go from center of my child's universe, where I hung the moon and made the sun rise, where I could kiss a boo boo and make it all better or where I had the power to make everything right with the world in their eyes...to go from "I want to live with you forever" and having my opinion count above everyone else's...to go from all that to being practically invisible sometimes, out of sight and out of mind, the last resort instead of the first choice...well frankly, it stinks.  


As I explained, being as sensitive as I could to my son's girlfriend's feelings, it's hard for a mother to let go of her child, trusting the person he chooses as a mate to really and truly love him..to want what's best for him even above what's best for herself...to protect his heart even at the expense of her own...to build him up when he's weak and come along side him in his pursuits...to see him as beautiful even when it takes rose-colored glasses to do so...to love him...like I love him.


How will she ever?  How could she?  And when she takes him away from me, will he remember that I still do love him that way?  That I'll always be his mommy, and he'll always be my little boy.  I needed her to understand that...those fears, those reservations, those aching little spots left on a mother's heart when her child falls in love with someone other than her...it has nothing to do with her really.  It has to do with me...letting go of him.


I know, from her side of the triangle, it all looks very different.  She probably thinks I don't understand just how much she loves him.  But I have a pretty good idea.  And I really do know that just because he loves her doesn't mean he loves me any less.  Who knows, maybe one day she and I will love each other in a way that makes me feel less like I'm losing a son and more like I'm gaining...well, you know how that saying goes, but I'm not sure I'm ready to apply it to myself just quite yet.