On the edge

Sometimes I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, teetering on the cusp of sanity.  Today was one of those days.  It was something relatively insignificant in the scope of life as a whole...but truthfully, all the things that push me closer to the brink generally are.  Today it was frustration at work, but sometimes it's my kids not listening to me, my husband doing something he knows gets on my nerves, the dog being under foot, traffic lights, unpaid bills, waiting in a line with a slow cashier, plans being made for me or my plans getting ruined.  Sometimes it's an unexpected late night or worse, an all too early morning.  It's unexpected guests and a perpetually full laundry hamper.  It's the price of gas  and the cost of living.  It's my neighbors who never leash their dogs and people who throw cigarettes out their car windows when I'm behind them.  It's itchy tags in my shirts and holes in the toes of my socks.  It's having a longer to do list than I have hours in the day or money in the bank to finance.


When I was younger, I would simply steamroll...with word or deed...over anyone or anything that tried to upset my proverbial apple cart.  I am by nature, after all, a person who often lacks patience and who is, callous as it sounds, intolerant of stupidity.  I do not appreciate having to take detours...literally or figuratively.  I want things the way I want them, and I'm rarely quick to accept the fact that I simply can't always have it all my way.  Every little irritation threatens to stir up hostility within me.  I'm like that little tea..short and stout...when I get all steamed up you'll hear me shout. 


But now that I'm a little older and a little wiser, I realize that this take no prisoners, no holds barred approach to life only serves to breed frustration rather than alleviate it.  Perhaps I have been a slow learner, but I'm finally figuring out that it is selfishness that lines the threshold of my inner peace.  And crossing that line never makes my journey easier. 


Oh it may feel better for a while, the satisfaction that comes from getting my own way, but it's a very fleeting feeling for sure.  Having others kowtow to me for fear of unleashing my primal rage isn't really how I want to achieve my goals.


So as I move forward into the second half of my life, I have decided to make it my objective to be less self serving...to realize not everything everyone else does that stirs my pot was intended to do so...to accept that not every hurdle I come up against needs to be taken as a personal affront.  I am going to do my best to see others before I look at myself.  I'm going to work on thickening my skin and softening my heart.  I'm going to focus less on how close to the edge I am and more on the path that leads me away from it.  So I take a deep breath and remind myself to get over myself.  I am, after all, not the center of the universe.