The Rules of Engagement..for moms

This week I have come smack dab, face-to-face, up close and personal with the mother's curse.  Oh, you know what that is.  It's when your mother said, "I hope you grow up and have children just like you."  Now, let me preface by saying, I honestly don't remember my mother ever saying those exact words to me, but I am sure in her heart she thought them on various occasions.  For example, when, as a senior in high school, my boyfriend and I announced that we were going to get married.  


Now you must understand that while I wasn't the best or the brightest in my small graduating class, I wasn't exactly stupid either.  I had been heavily recruited by the journalism department at Indiana University and had aspirations of becoming a well respected author.  But somewhere between planning a future as a writer and actually getting to college, I just happened to fall in love.  And as anyone who has ever taken that plunge knows, falling in love has the ability to change the course of history.


So as my boyfriend and I sat in my parent's living room and made our grand announcement, I could not quite understand my mother's cold, if not right down rude, reaction.  She sat in her chair, arms crossed over her chest, face forward, lips pursed...and silent.  She said nothing as we told her and my dad the very loosely constructed wedding plans we had made. She did not share one iota of our enthusiasm, not one ounce of our joy.  She was not happy and made no attempt to hide it.


I remember my father, always the voice of reason, asking her if she was really surprised by all this.  After all, Dan and I had dated since seventh grade and had been completely inseparable for the previous two years.  But still, my mom remained stone cold, not at all interested in sharing in our excitement.


She asked questions like, 'did we have to get married?'...'what was our rush?'...'had we really considered how hard it would be?'...'and what about school?'


As I sat in this very room with my son and his now....fiancee...not much more than a week ago, I experienced a very strange sort of deja vu.  It was the kind where I had lived this moment before...just on the other end of the conversation.  Now I was the one with all the pointed questions...mostly the same ones my mother had asked me oh so many years ago.  Imagine my surprise when my son gave me, almost verbatim, the same answers I had given my mom.  


As I sat there with my head spinning and my heart palpitating, I suddenly could see myself in him...a person so in love and so determined to be with that person that no one or no thing was going to persuade him otherwise.  I could see that fearlessness that comes from being certain you're doing the right thing at the right time with the right person.  That kind of certainty brings a confidence no amount of reason, logic or circumstantial evidence could overcome.  And no amount of parental objection would do it either. 


All he could see was the new plans he and she were making together.  My plans for him were no longer his priority.  At that moment, I knew I had two choices...be on his side...or not.  Because for all my arguments, no matter how sound, no matter how valid, they all were going to fail to change his mind.  He is going to get married.  He is going to pack his things and leave this home and go into the world with her by his side, and they are going to make a life together.  And it's a life I want to be part of.  


So, with tears both of joy and sadness, I told my son he has my blessing.  Joy because he is beginning his life a man.  Sadness because he is leaving behind his life as a child.  


We've raised him well.  We've taught him everything he needs to know. We've equipped him for this moment as best we could.  So as hard as it is for me, I have to take my hands off the wheel because the reality is, he knows how to drive.  And wherever the path takes him, I want him to know we will always love him...and we will love her too.