My mom, a well-seasoned married couple and I were having a discussion during our 'Sacred Marriage' class at church. We got to talking about our premarital expectations. Now that's a subject that I can write something about!
I grew up in what I would consider a fairly typical nuclear family...mom, dad, two sisters, a brother and myself. But the older I got, the less typical I realized my family was. My mom and dad, with whatever issues, flaws or struggles they've had individually or as a couple, were not only wonderful parents, but they were and are a good couple. They love each other. They respect each other. They've learned to live with each other, accepting one another's differences and forgiving one another's failures. That is rare.
Growing up, I really don't remember my parents ever fighting. I'm sure they did, but I never saw it. I'm sure they didn't always agree on everything...how to spend their money, how to raise us kids, where to celebrate holidays, what color to paint the kitchen. I know those are things my husband and I don't always necessarily agree on, so I'm sure they had the same issues over the years. But I, as their child, never knew there was any debate between them on any subject. I only saw them with their united front, functioning basically as one entity.
I also saw my parents fulfill the traditional husband and wife roles as I was growing up. My dad always went to work, dealt with the cars, mowed the lawn, handled the discipline. My mom, even when she worked outside the house, was primarily responsible for the household chores...dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning and the lion's share of the day to day child rearing. But neither of them would hesitate to cross lines when the other needed help. From my prospective, Dad put Mom first and Mom put Dad first.
So it would seem, given all this, that my parents' marriage would have set a wonderful example for me as I became a wife. And while that is true in many ways, the one way it failed me was in giving me this expectation of perfection in my own young marriage.
I didn't realize then what I do now...marriages like that don't just happen by chance, they are made. That's the one thing I wish my parents would have told me. It would have spared me so much frustration in those early years when I was sure my husband and I would never get it right. Back in the beginning, I was disappointed that my husband didn't love me the way my dad loved my mom. He didn't put me first all the time. He didn't anticipate my needs and meet them swiftly. He didn't seem to have the same level of commitment and investment in our marriage relationship that my parents had in theirs.
The truth was, he didn't. The bigger truth was, I didn't either. At that time, I was just wanting what was best for me, to get my needs met, to have my objectives satisfied. But what I came to know, through trial and error, disappointment and small victories, give and take, is that marriage isn't always easy. It takes time and life experiences and purposeful choices to get the roots of marriage to take hold and begin to produce healthy, beautiful fruit. Fertilizer stinks and pruning can be painful and even make a tree look ugly for a while, but both aid in making the tree ultimately grow stronger and produce abundantly. The problem is, for a lot of people anyway, that no one tells them that ahead of time. They are caught off guard when bad things happen and their spouse fails to live up to their expectations.
It took me some time to get over my unrealistic expectations in my own marriage, to accept that my husband would never be exactly like my father. My husband is every bit the wonderful man my dad is, but not in all the same ways. I like to think I'm a good wife, but totally different from the way my mom is a good wife. And Dan and I are fine parents, but we certainly don't do things like mom and dad did. It took me a little time as a young bride to figure out that my marriage is just that, mine. It doesn't have to or need to look like, feel like or function like anyone else's...it couldn't even if I wanted it to. That's what I wish I had known going in. That's what I'm trying to make sure my sons know before they become husbands themselves.
No couple walks away from the alter with a perfect marriage. Marriage is perfected through the process of being married. And there's just no way around it.
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